Love bombing is the early stage of a fake relationship between a victim and their scammer. It is part of the grooming process where the romance scammer creates an intense, fast-moving, intimate relationship filled with affection, grandiose romantic gestures, attention and extravagance.
It may feel like a fairy-tale romance with a real connection. Most victims of romance scams mentioned the intensity of their connection to their scammer, describing it as movie-like romance or a romance novel-worthy connection.
Here’s a list of love bombing behaviour patterns:
- They fall in love with their victim earlier in the process, which is too soon in real life and unrealistic, too.
- They make immediate promises about the future.
- They make soulmate claims.
- They complement their victim excessively.
- They put the victim on a pedestal.
- They say exactly what the victim wants to hear.
- They make the victim feel like they’re saved.
- They demand commitment and constant attention.
- They push the victim’s boundaries.
- The whole experience makes the victim feel like it’s too good to be true.
The love bombing phase typically lasts until the trust is established and the victim is hooked. Love bombing also grooms the victim for future emotional abuse. It gets them into a position where they are more vulnerable and easy to prey on. However, the moment the victim lets their guard down, things start to change.
The scammer becomes critical, dissatisfied and stops saying and doing all the nice things that drew the victim into the relationship, and the victim starts to doubt themselves. This is the beginning of trauma bonding.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is the attachment a romance scam victim feels for their scammer after being psychologically manipulated over a period of time.
Unlike the name suggests, it is not a type of bond developed between two people over shared trauma. It is a cycle of abuse to get the victim to a point where they are emotionally addicted to their scammer. And it all starts with love bombing.
Below, you can see how James Rooney (the scammer) is trying to manipulate his victim:
Stages of Trauma Bonding in a Romance Scam
Trauma bonding follows a pattern of love bombing, trust and dependency, gaslighting, resignation, loss of self and addiction to the cycle.
Love Bombing
At this point, the victim is groomed, manipulated and isolated and has already developed sympathy for their abuser. As mentioned above, trauma bonding starts with love bombing.
Trust and Dependency
After the initial love bombing phase, the victim starts to feel good about the relationship, trusting the scammer and getting addicted to the attention they get on a daily basis. This addiction also creates dependency; it makes the victim feel like their online love interest is the centre of their world, and they cannot cope without them.
This is especially the case when the scammer wants to spend all their time with the victim, preventing them from spending time with family members or friends, especially those who point out abusive behaviour at play. This isolates the victim, making it harder for them to leave the relationship.
Gaslighting
The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 film, “Gaslight” (it was originally a play in 1938). In the movie, a man manipulates his wife, convincing her she is mentally ill by dimming their gas lamp and telling her she’s hallucinating.
With gaslighting, the scammer tries to change the victim’s perception of reality so that they can be easily manipulated. The victim starts to second-guess themselves, finds it difficult to make simple decisions, feels incompetent or unworthy, and withdraws from social activities, which makes the victim even more isolated.
Resignation
The victim tries questioning the scammer’s behaviour and setting some boundaries, but this only leaves them utterly exhausted. The scammer picks up pace as they can now see the victim is giving in to their manipulation. The victim wishes things were like they were in the beginning, but feels so detached from their own thoughts that it feels almost impossible to do anything about the situation.
Loss of Self
The victim experiences severe psychological distress as a result of trauma bonding; unfortunately, during this stage, they may also experience emotional numbness, feeling as though they’ve lost who they are, and withdrawing from people and activities.
Addiction to the Cycle
The victim is now addicted to the dopamine hit linked to this cycle of excessive highs and lows of the relationship. At this point, the scammer might start to love bomb again, and this makes the victim think things will get better once again. They feel like they can’t really live without the abuser.
Trauma bonding is not love; it’s the reaction to abuse.