Because blaming romance scam victims will not get us anywhere. Now is the time to hold systems and Big Tech accountable, push for legislation to better protect, and, most importantly, acknowledge the human impact of this crime.
Most of the anti-scam advocates I personally know or work with have had a detrimental experience with a scammer, and they turned their pain into purpose: the purpose of helping others.
They share their stories to paint a picture of what really happens when they accept that innocent-looking friend request from a total stranger on social media, or swipe right to find the one.
They share the pain of being scammed with the new victims so that they know they’re not alone. Trust me, they meet new victims every day. In one anti-scam sister’s case, ten to fifteen a day. Every. Single. Day. By the way, she only covers Australia and New Zealand.
They try to convince the victims of romance fraud that the person they think they have been talking to, the one they’re in love with, is not real.
Behind the scenes, we try to do our bit as veterans of this crime. It’s relentless, grinding, unglamorous work. A thankless task, so to speak, but there is honour and decency in what we do, even if we do not get a medal for it.
But there is a part that doesn’t sit right with me…
Society, regardless of location, is quick to judge the victims rather than the perpetrators or the profit-first platforms on which these scams occur.
They think and loudly express their opinions online for everyone to see.
They self-righteously splash their uninformed comments all over the internet.
They blame the victims, even though they do not understand the crime or what the targeted individuals go through to reach that emotional and financial ruin.
Recently, one such incident happened to one of our anti-scam sisters, Debbie Fox, after she was featured in an article in The Denver Post.
Photo credit: Hyoung Chang – The Denver Post
The link to the same article was also shared on the newspaper’s Facebook page. Let me tell you how some people responded:
One follower said,
“Maybe don’t send money to anyone you haven’t met IN person, and spent a significant amount of time with?!”
The problem with this comment — other than the victim-blaming part with such ignorance, of course— is the fact that Tracy Hall received the same brutal comments underneath the articles written about her. Hers wasn’t an online relationship, and the significant amount of time spent with her con man was 18 months.
As a side note, her con man is just about to be released from prison this month after spending 10 years behind bars.
Another comment reads:
“Or she could just use her brain and not send money to people she doesn’t know.”
One of my anti-scam sisters, Beth Hyland, responded to this comment, saying,
“Romance fraud has nothing to do with intelligence. It’s pure psychological manipulation. They create false relationships that seem real, so victims believe they know them. It starts with connection, not money.”
One woman questioned Debbie’s mental capacity by saying,
“Does she have early-onset Alzheimer’s? That’s the only excuse I can think of.”
And another one followed with this comment:
“These scammers prey upon the vulnerable. The aging single or widowed. There could possibly be the start of dementia. The victim just wanting love and companionship. Maybe not even letting friends and family know what’s going on. I don’t blame the bank. The aging brain can be a slippery slope to navigate, and holding on to that last bit of independence in doing responsible banking and financials is when you really see how stubborn and mysterious a victim can be.”
Have they just diagnosed someone they have never met in person with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease?
FYI, there are victims of romance fraud who are young, beautiful, and intelligent, and there are cases in which the bank actually saved individuals from becoming victims by delaying the bank transfer. This is the regulation in some countries, and Debbie Fox says this type of delay could have saved her, too.
I don’t know if you have noticed, but nobody’s pointing fingers at the criminals. Instead, they are blaming the victim as if she’s the guilty one here.
Social media gives legions of idiots the right to speak when they once only spoke at a bar after a glass of wine, without harming the community… but now they have the same right to speak as a Nobel Prize winner. It’s the invasion of the idiots.
— Umberto Eco
Writer, Semiotician, Philosopher
I have another — fairly recent — example of how people behave when they hear stories about romance scam victims.
This is my friend Cathy Brennan-Coffey, whose scam story I wrote and shared. She has recently been featured on A Current Affair.
The public comments on A Current Affair’s YouTube channel were horrendous! They, of course, blamed Cathy for falling for the scam and made their uneducated opinions loud and clear.
It takes a lot of courage for romance scam victims to come out and tell millions of total strangers what they’ve been through, and we reward them by telling them they’re stupid or labelling them with a mental disease — yes, there was someone who diagnosed Cathy with a mental disease in the comments section too!
Thankfully, those horrible victim-bashing comments have now been removed — only after the damage was done, though.
But here’s the thing…
The biggest damage these internet trolls are doing by shaming and blaming the victim publicly is that they’re stopping other victims from going public with their experience, with their loss, with their pain and suffering brought about by this crime, or even reporting it.
And as if they’re not suffering in silence enough, their silence is pushed even deeper.
Let me tell you one thing, dear reader: if every person who’s been scammed reported the crime, the real numbers would scare the bejeesus out of you.
So, what can we do?
Well, instead of blaming the victims and silencing them, we need to talk about romance fraud the right way first.
In other words, it’s time to talk about romance fraud for what it really is: psychological manipulation enabled by technology on a large scale. Not some people being stupid or naive enough to give a total stranger their life savings.
Romance scams are about adult grooming, love bombing, gaslighting, trauma bonding, emotional dependency, isolation, changing of brain chemistry, addiction and ultimately… control.
The Platforms Have A Lot to Answer For
Romance fraud needs a place to start: the platform. The platform could be a dating website or app, a social media platform, or a gaming app. None of them is properly regulated; they are allowing fraud to happen and putting profit above people.
There are young people who were sexually blackmailed — sextortion — on these platforms, and some even took their lives. What did these companies do? Nothing.
These platforms allow innocent people — including children and teenagers — to get hurt. Their algorithms are designed that way. While everyone I work with and I report scammers’ accounts, they do little to nothing to remove them, despite having the technology and resources to detect fraudulent activity.
Trust me, I have a large file of fake accounts I reported to Instagram, and they told me those accounts didn’t violate their Community Standards, even though the scammer accounts were using photos — and the real names — of a verified account, with Nigeria listed as the location.
Here’s an example of a real person — Sergio Alberti — with a verified account whose photos are stolen to create countless fake accounts to scam people:
It was a big moment recently when a jury in Los Angeles found Meta and YouTube negligent for intentionally designing products to be addictive and damaging to young people. The evidence is in Meta’s internal communication. They knew it would harm the users, and yet they released their products anyway.
So, the question is: Is it really the job of a romance fraud target to police an entire dating site or social media platform?
Or should dating sites and social media companies think bigger, act faster, and invest more in proactive detection rather than reactive damage control?
The truth is, most people on these platforms are there for one simple reason: happiness, connection, friendship, companionship.
These are all legitimate hopes and desires, by the way. However, it seems like the people who would chase these desires also need a diploma in fraud prevention.
So, I’m asking you…
Instead of blaming the victims, isn’t it time to put responsibility on the systems that host the problem and hold Big Tech accountable?
Isn’t it time for banks to adjust their systems to protect individuals?
Shouldn’t we be removing their options to do worse or do nothing, instead of asking them to do better?
